Sleep Study

So, you might ask, why the hell are you wearing all that spaghetti?

Yes, friends, this is a look at a man who is about to bed down for the night in a small windowless room with a little camera mounted on the ceiling--its unblinking red light a constant reminder of the nurse/technician watching me from the adjacent room.  All those wires get plugged into an outlet in the wall, meaning that when I lay my head on the pillow, it will be a constant battle all night with all the wires wrapped around my neck and finding their way into my mouth.

I may be suffering from sleep apnea, actually a very common problem among extremely virile middle aged men!  Apparently as we age (gracefully of course!) our throats become blighted with unneeded excess tissue which blocks our airways when we sleep.   The result is what my wife likes to call my 'tuba symphony at 3am'.

What the medical community has discovered is that people who suffer from snoring and sleep apnea are at greater risk for high blood pressure, heart attacks and strokes because of the stress that snoring and not being able to breathe puts on your circulatory system.  Your airway becomes blocked and you literally wake yourself up trying to get a breath.  Of course you're not aware of it and it may happen as many as hundreds of times a night.   Then there is the fatigue and napping that are a result of this condition as well.

Well, I am definitely not interested in having any of the above, so I am submitting to a sleep study to see if I am a candidate for the treatment---something called CPAP (Controlled Positive Air Pressure).  Basically it is a mask that pumps air down your throat and keeps your airway open at night.  My brother-in-law has been using one for years and he says it is the best sleep he has ever had.  What fun!
I don't think I can think of anything more sensuous then cuddling with a mask on!  Ah well, better to be alive I guess.

Anyway, "now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord to let me sleep.  If I should choke before I wake, I pray the Lord will pay my bill!"

Report from the next morning:

Probably one of the most irritating experiences I have ever had!  All those wires and the doo-dads up my nose did not make it a particularly restful night.  I usually fall asleep within seconds of putting my head down, but last night after 45 minutes of trying without success to disregard all the wires and the camera,  the tech gave me an Ambien to push me into the arms of Morpheus.  I drifted off for three hours, then woke up once and went back to sleep for another couple of hours, but at about 6:00 am I was done... there was no way I was going to give them any more data.  I apparently suffered from what is known in the sleep trade as 'the lab effect'.  No Kidding!

Cindy the smiling tech told me that I had given them enough data to study, and I had actually snored during the night---oh yes they have microphones recording all your sleeping noises too!  I wonder what other personal sounds they captured while I was unconscious??

Can you imagine being a sleep study technician and doing this job several times a week?  Cindy had to stay awake all night and watch me sleeping!  She loves her job, although I can't imagine what the excitement is.

Well, dear readers, I will keep you up to date on my sleep adventures.  I find out next week whether I get to wear the CPAP, and if the answer is yes, I have to go back to Cindy and the sleep lab and do this all again---this time wearing the mask!

I guess it is better than having my teeth drilled or heart bypass surgery!